just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize