The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
