guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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