i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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