I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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