Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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