Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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