i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
