Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
