thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
