New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My balls are so social today.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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