Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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