I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
