can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
