Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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