In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
