Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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