If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
