also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
