Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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