I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
