just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
