Your face is a jimmy john
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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