He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize