You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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