We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
