So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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