You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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