hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
