get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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