I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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