The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
