I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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