just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
