im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
