You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
