he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
it glows. i had to have it.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
