happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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