Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
