I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
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