I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
