He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
