It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
