I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
