Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
