erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
