First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize