I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
