You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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