glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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