3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
