Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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