My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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