we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
