Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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