Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
