How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
