Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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