I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I could make wine with my vomit
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
