I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
