We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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