Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
i believe in u and ur pee
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
