I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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