OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
