So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
