I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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