Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
