I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
