You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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