maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
