He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
